October 15th is Infant Loss Awareness Day. It is to remember miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death.
Miscarriage can be a very isolating experience. Many people don’t share they are pregnant in fear of miscarrying. So, if you miscarry, you haven’t told anyone you are pregnant so you have little or no support. For me and many of my friends talking about this trauma was helpful. If 15-25% in woman who conceive miscarry then why the heck are we not talking about it?
I’m writing this post to encourage woman who have miscarried to talk about it, find a friend, a sibling or a counsellor…SOMEONE you feel you can be open with. Then share. Many woman’s experiences are downplayed as it is “common” or “gods way” or any other lists of reasons “why”. These messages are often said with a good intention of stopping the woman’s hurt. Instead it is devaluing the woman’s experience and emotions. Woman (and men) then feel they are not suppose to cry, feel disappointed, be angry or experience loss.
The second reason I’m writing this is to normalize feeling sad. I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. You can’t base love on how long you have known someone. I heard from people I care about telling me it wasn’t my time, or the baby obviously wasn’t healthy. Again, not helpful— to me it was a loss of our baby and our dreams. I was SAD. I wanted to grieve, but didn’t think I should. For a long time I didn’t work though my miscarriage, I just went on and avoided. Men and woman don’t become parents when the baby is born, they become parents when they feel like they are attached to their pregnancy and have love for the liny human growing inside of you…. This can happen while pregnant for 4 week, 4 months or after the baby is born.
I want mothers and fathers to allow themselves to feel, then share and remember— feel whatever emotions are in you and share that with someone healthy in your life and remember