parenting – Page 2

There is ALWAYS a reason for your child’s behaviour

May 20, 2015

I often hear in parenting classes “My child had a temper tantrum for no reason” or “Every time I get on the phone my kid is pulling on me” “My kid won’t put her shoes on when we have to go” Often as parents we can see the BEHAVIOUR (tantrums, crying, screaming, pinching…) and then we discipline (time out, take away toys, lecture) Often parents don’t see the WHY. What is the antecedent for the behaviour, WHY are they doing it?

When we say “behaviour” we are really asking: is it willful? Willful implies that the child knows what he did and made a conscious decision to act that way, or that the behavior is within the child’s control. Believing that a behavior is willful implies that the child meant to do it. (Murray-Slutzky and Paris 2005)

*So when you are witnessing or attempting to resolve a child’s behavior remember the ABC’s.

A Antecedent (why?)

B Behavior

C Consequence

Most people forget to consider step “A” and move right into addressing the behavior which results in a consequence or punishment which may or may not be effective long term. The goal is to have the child experience an emotion which will help them to understand why the behavior is inappropriate.

I want you all to stop for a moment and look back. Look back at the last tantrum and try and figure out WHY. There is ALWAYS a reason (attention, power, feeling inadequate (helpless), revenge, hunger, sleepy…) These are sometimes hard to see, sometimes takes a trained eye, but you will soon start to notice the WHY and be PROACTIVE.

Family Day

February 5, 2015

I had known my whole life I would one day become a mother. Some people do, others may take a bit longer to decide. There isn’t a right or wrong way, it’s all just a path we wander along at our own pace.

The day it happened, I felt prepared. I knew things would change; that each day going forward would be different than each that had passed. You hear things from everyone when you begin your family, those words of wisdom that get handed down from generation to generation. The obvious clichés. Of course life changes with kids! You will do anything for your children! You learn an entirely new level of love! But these phrases don’t seems to really speak at full volume until your kids finally do become a part of your family.

It all changes from that special moment when you look into their eyes, (which may not be until later in their lives- baby blues post to come soon!), and you realize that yea, you would probably do anything and everything in your power to give this person the best life imaginable.

You learn to accept the difficulties; the sleep deprivation, the early mornings, the wasted food. You learn to enjoy playing on the floor all day, repeatedly drawing semi-trucks, and laughing maniacally at something just because it makes your kid laugh. You embrace the idea that sometimes you don’t get to do what you want to do, and instead you just have to enjoy what it is your kid wants you to do. Just because they love you, and you love them.

We learn what it’s like to be a family, all over again, when our kids are born. That generation old advice finally has a new grasp on us, and we can’t wait to share it with everyone we know. We reignite the cliche for the next generation.

Happy Family Day to each of you incredible parents out there- go spend some time with the little people in your lives who make them so worth living!

-Erin

How to help your children tell the truth

November 13, 2014

Do you find yourself stretching the truth with your little ones? How do we expect them to tell the truth if they see little white lies coming out of the mouths of people they trust and look up to? Role model the behavior you want to see from your child. This means, telling the truth all the time. Sometimes this means you have to answer questions you weren’t prepared to.

Telling the Truth- Kids can’t distinguish “little white lies” from other lies. So don’t let your child overhear you tell your friend, “I would totally come over for dinner but we have family coming over,” if you’re clearly not . Your child will imitate what he watches you do. Sometimes this means answering the hard questions and not giving your child little white lies- This is a tough one because children ask really complicated questions. My daughter asked shortly before she was 2.5″ how do babies got in bellies” “Where the toilet water goes when it’s flushed” “Why are grandma and grandpa not married” “Where does the food go after I swallow it”. She was a very inquisitive child with VERY hard to answer questions. Some of the questions I would answer in simple age appropriate answers, others I would say I have to look them up.

Not Shaming- Guilt and shame are very different. Guilt comes from inside a child , and feels remorse from twhat they have done. Guilt can lead to accountability, since that child is likely feeling regret and responsibility for his or her actions. Shame is more about feelings worthlessness and is likely to cause that child to withdraw in embarrassment. The difference here is that shame does not lead to accountability—and may lead to a decrease in effective problem-solving skills now and later in life.

Lastly, this will take time… But figure out WHY they are lying. Are they embarrassed? Are they exaggerating? (is this age appropriate exaggeration like a fantasy?), is it low self esteem and they are bragging?

Now that you have figured out the basis on what’s happening, what do you do? How do you discipline without shaming? In my eyes there is not one way to “dicipline” a child. Every child is different and every situation and “WHY” is different. Here is a link to a great post from Janet Landsbury that may be helpful. http://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/02/what-your-toddler-thinks-of-discipline/

About the Author

Nicole Chambers has over 15 years experience in Early Childhood and Infant and Toddler Education working with children from age 6 weeks+. She then decided to be a birth doula and postpartum doula and trained in 2012 & 2013. When she is not working as a Doula she is a Children and Youth Counsellor, Parenting Group Facilitator and Parent-Child Mother Goose Facilitator at a non-profit agency. Nicole is always learning and updating her skills she has completed her Placenta Encapsulation training, Expressive Play Therapy Certificate and continues to take courses on child development, trauma, birth and adolescence.

Breastfeeding in the Heat of Summer

July 11, 2014

Teresa Pitman, co-author of La Leche League’s The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, shares this information, “The composition of your breast milk will change in response to the need of your baby – a higher water content in the hot weather and a higher fat content in the colder months.”

Tips to breastfeeding in the hot summer….for baby
-liquids other than breast milk are filling, they don’t have as much nutrients and may effect your breast milk supply. avoid water and stick with your milk.
-breast milk is supply and demand, feed baby frequently.
-Breast milk is designed to be thirst quenching and full of vitamins, fat and other goodness. Remember how thirsty you are in the heat, baby is too. Give him some thirst quenching foremilk.

Tips for breastfeeding in the hot summer…. for Mom
-Try and offer skin to skin. While this can me a sticky sweaty option it can increase your milk supply and offer more hydration for your little one. Oxytocin! (bonus if you can find AC!) If this is not possible have a thin receiving blanket between you and baby
-breastfeed side laying— this way baby isn’t sweat induced suction cupped to you.

Tips for supporting breastfeeding… for fathers and other family members
– Offer a cool drink for mom as she is breastfeeding
-offer encouragement. You know what it’s like when someone tries to snuggle up to you in the heat of summer, imagine this every few hours. Remind her of her awesomeness and dedication to the health of her baby.

Breast milk is perfect for summer. Wither you are going to the beach, playground or camping breast milk is always available. It’s super easy! It requires no preparation, no refrigeration, doesn’t spoil, and often comes in easy to access packaging, (think tank tops and maxi dresses)

Anything else to add? Please comment below.

My breastfeeding challenge- Guest blog post from Christian Mitchell

January 8, 2014

My name is Christian Mitchell. I am a momma, homemaker, full time student, and a master aromatherapist in training. I have one lovely baby girl who is almost thirteen months, and It is an unexplainable adventure to watch her grow every day. We tend towards the “crunchy” side, with cloth diapers, attachment parenting, babywearing, and nursing. I’m so excited to write for Ridge Meadows Doula Services!

I found out I was pregnant on April fools day. After drinking enough diet coke for four different pee sticks, and my jaw going through the floor after reading the positive results on each one, I resolved to the fact that I was indeed pregnant. I went through the usual things, telling my family, (this was kind of a huge deal because I wasn’t married, and my boyfriend and I had only been together for seven months) puking my guts out, crying all the time, almost passing out in a nice and steamy shower, and only wanting to eat curly fries from Arby’s. But more important than all of these things, I decided I wanted to breastfeed.

I began reading everything I could get my hands on. I went to Googling. “How to breastfeed” and “Benefits of breast milk” were among my popular searches. I watched tons of weird YouTube videos of strangers’ boobies (yes, areola and all). I was so into them, I couldn’t believe why on earth, when I tried showing the really good ones to my then boy friend, that he was so creeped out. I actually remember taking offense.

Flash forward about six months. I was eight days over due. I was induced. I laid in that stupid hospital bed for 19 hours, only to hear that I needed a c section. I obliged. My boyfriend suited up in one of those sterile suits that I was convinced was made out of large paper towels, and couldn’t understand how they got the zipper to stay in. About thirty minutes later, we heard for the very first time, the little cries of our precious baby willow Mae. It was huge. It was monumental. It was life changing. They stitched me up, and our little family zoomed away to recovery. Then came the big latch on.

This was also monumental, but when I say this, I am mostly referring to how huge my boobs are. Like seriously, if you made the size of Texas into a bra size, I’m pretty sure it would be too small. Anyway, I was ready. I knew how to do this. I knew all the scientific facts. So, there went the drum roll as I put my little nursling to my breast. I was appalled. I was bewildered. My little willow wouldn’t latch. I asked the nurse for help. She didn’t know. She was very brisk. I kept trying and trying. We moved to the mommy and baby wing. I was frantic. My baby wouldn’t latch, she was screaming, and I needed help. Aided by my new nurse, I finally got her latched on. But it hurt. It was painful. And I knew from what I read and watched, that it wasn’t supposed to be.

The next morning, we received a visit from a lactation consultant. She assessed the problem. I learned I had flat nipples, and that this was a pretty normal problem in women with Texas sized boobies. She told me I would need a nipple shield. She fitted me, and whisked away to the supply cabinet. I had no idea what a nipple shield was, and in all the research I did, never once did I ever read about women who needed a nipple shield. The lactation lady came back, and she ever so gently helped me put the nipple shield on. Willow latched right to it. Who would have thought that some funny shaped silicone would be a life changer. She latched. She latched! We were nursing. We were doing it.

When Willow was about ten days old, I started feeling guilty for having been using the nipple shield. I kept hearing all this hype about how important it was that babies were skin to skin with their momma’s while nursing. And the nipple shield had become some what painful. So, I took the plunge. I decided no more nipple shield. The next few days were a blur. I cried. Willow cried. No one slept. No one got along. Everyone was crabby. I felt like I had received “worst mom of the year” award. It was awful. Nursing without the nipple shield was more painful than ever, and I was at my wits end. But I didn’t want to give up. My mom suggested I call a la Leche league person. So, after some hesitation, I decided I had absolutely nothing to lose, and we called her. Her name was Marty. I remember because as soon as I heard her voice on the other end of the line, I burst into tears. She kept saying, “hello this is Marty.” And I felt like such a dummy for crying. For almost ten minutes I cried. I asked her for help. I told her my problem. She told me to use the football hold, and to try to relax. She told me that if nursing is painful, then it is more than likely a problem with the latch. She explained what a proper latch should look and feel like. And she also told me not to feel guilty about using the nipple shield, and that most babies would eventually wean themselves.

After three days of this blurry cry fit, I finally had some real help. I took a deep breath, woke my baby from nap time, put on my nipple shield and latched my baby girl on. I was doing it! We were doing it. I applied all the “Marty” techniques, and it wasn’t painful. It was a relief. And about four months later, my little willow did wean herself, and we were skin to skin. And it was beautiful.